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Yes! #Blessed

I love.this.post!

Blessed by Jamie the Very Worst Missionary.

Why?

Because.

Because, this is very personal to me.

A few months before Zach passed, we had heard a teaching about this very thing. About how blessing can be interpreted as to have God’s presence or a word from God. In the early morning hours when Zach was leaving this world, I found myself holding him singing a song…. I can feel the presence of the Lord and I’m going to get my blessing right now….  and I knew.

I knew.

The deep in your heart know that this was right. This was hard, this was not God’s perfect will, but this was right. This was permissible. God was in that room. My blessing was the wisdom and peace He left in my heart and life. As I finished singing that song I remember telling my son, out loud with all the courage I could muster, in a barely audible wisper to go. Be free. I promised him I’d be okay.

Why?

Because in that moment God held me. He gave me the gift of a blessing. His presence.

I am #Blessed.

 

 

*Zachariah Barak Wennerstrom died on February 20, 2006, of complications from Influenza A. He was a healthy and robust 9 month old child who made every person he met smile.

 

Why Do We?

Every so often I find something that God uses to challenge and encourage me to lift my eyes.  To look up and ahead.  To ponder what we have and don’t have.  Today, as I was reflecting, I let myself linger on the fact that as a person of deep faith and convictions, I believe that “my” children are not really mine.  They are God’s.  He has trusted and equipped me to have stewardship over their lives.

The life of my firstborn son, Zach, was amazing.  I have a very distinct memory of God granting me indescribable peace and understanding.  I remember telling my husband that the pain, while the most intense I have ever lived through, was worth every.single.minute.  It was unfathomable.  To love and grieve simultaneously with raging intensity.

It was also in this space that God cultivated my heart for children. That He revealed to me the heart He gifted me with.  A heart for loving at the expense of me.  And as I studied God and myself.  As I grew in confidence and wrestled with maintaining my focus of Him, foster care entered our lives.  The more we learned about the grief and loss that foster kiddos endure, the more I became sure that God would take our darkest day, and use it to bring Him glory.

Today I read this great post Rethinking Some Common Foster Care Concerns And this line…  “we had to make the decision that we would rather experience the pain of a very great loss if it meant the little girl in our home experienced the gain of a very great love.”  These are the very words I would use to describe my personal experience with grief. The sting of loss is but a small cloud on the warmth of the love we experienced with him.  That love, is why we foster.  Because to give love, to receive love, to be love…  that’s a gift we can all give.

It is a gift that honors God.

God is love.

Nine

9 years ago today, I held in my arms the person who gave me title of ‘mom.’

And 9 years ago today, I had no idea that the bigger picture, the fights ahead, the loss, the grief, would propel me to where I am right now.

… with 9 people sleeping in my house.

 

I love you Zach.  Always & Forever.

~ Mom

 

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