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Blue Skies In, Gray Skies Out

Slow and steady, deep breathes in and out.

Transition is happening. Today it washes over me like an ocean of sadness. When we met this little guy, God had turned our hearts upside down. Coming off a hard placement, a not so good fit, we were callous. We were hard of heart. Then this sweet gift crashed into our lives. A hand holding, tickle monster, loving kid. Together we spent the summer with him as part of us. Part of our crazy exploring crew.

And here we are. So eager to believe he was ours, to love him like our own and staring down this thing. The right thing. A relative placement. A sweet family that has broken down walls to prove they can and will do this for him.

Convictions run so deep. So sure. And it doesn’t take away the sting of my hot tears. It doesn’t matter the times I tell myself this is right, my heart grieves today.

I miss him.

The son that was only mine for a blink.

Cleansing Tears. New Beginnings. Old Memories.

Next week my brother gets married.  Crazy!

I can’t call him little or baby any more because he’s bigger than me and growing into a fine young man that makes this sister proud!  I am a bit in denial about his age… in my mind he’s a high school student holding his nephew for the first time.  Trouble is… I didn’t ponder the depth or truth of those words until it slid down my cheeks like raging rapids this afternoon.

The boy that made him uncle… one of the many that resemble his uncle… he should be here.

Zach & Greg

Refreshing Reflection

So you all know that I’ve recently read the book the Cross Roads. There is a chapter in this book that feels like it was penned just for me. And because God works this way, this weekend I stumbled upon this communication from the past that was also penned just for me.

Conversation started February 16, 2011

Dear Jantina,
I cannot understand all that you feel as a mother …the mother of a child who died. I do know the hurt… the burden… the guilt of feeling like your decisions… actions or lack of actions cost someone’s life… for me it is my mom’s.

For a while I thought I would drown… in the why didn’t I see… why didn’t I do… Lord, why didn’t you tell me/show me, etc. Even knowing she is with Jesus did not make it better at first. I wondered if she blamed me… did her dying hurt bad… could she forgive me… would God forgive me.

Somehow, I got a glimpse of her as if in heaven. She was happy. She wanted me to let it go. No pain in her body or heart/mind. She released me of that guilt through an understanding of where she was and how much at peace she is. Mama is just waiting for me with open and loving arms; just like my Savior.
Tonight Jantina, I pray that God will give you a revelation of your son’s life with Him. Neither of them blame you. Your son healthy, happy and has become part of that great cloud of witnesses cheering you on… waiting for the day you will join Him around the throne of God.

The Lord has entrusted you with more beautiful children. They will learn the forgiveness of God from you. If you hold this against yourself; they will interpret it as forgiveness from God. When they mess up, in reality or imagined, they will hold on to it as guilt. Let God’s love… grace… mercy release you. I know you believe it in your head; it’s time to receive it in your heart. Teach your family that God forgives …He restores …He gives us the courage to live free because He paid the price for our freedom by the blood of Jesus.

I love you and admire you for asking for help so you don’t have to stay stuck in this place.

Bless You!

I’ve found such simple refreshment in reading it and receiving what God has for me yet again. She’s right. God’s right. It has taken more twists and turns than a person thought possible but I do believe I’ve learned how to forgive. I forgive myself. I accept my restoration. And it has been IS freeing to my soul.

Dear Zach,

February 20 marks the 7 year anniversary of living this life without you here in the flesh. And yet I’m glad you are free. There is no greater joy to a mother’s heart than to be overcome with pride and delight in your child. My cup is full. You are my son, you always will be and my life on this earth has moved on swiftly yet I no longer fret about forgetting you or missing you. I simply know you are well. I remember everything. The things I thought I didn’t want to and the things I thought surely I’d forget. They live in my heart and on my lips like a sweet kiss. Matty has been sleeping with your blanket. She doesn’t know it is yours…but it makes me smile when I tuck her in at night. When we all meet again someday, we will have so much fun!

I love you. I am forever humbled by the fact that God gave me you. I know you understand that. It was an amazing 9 months and 28 days. Truly!

Love you!
Mom

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